EDIT: just so everyone realizes, I made this pic a while back, so all the bullshit I was going through as already passed and I'm feeling way better about stuff.
No critiques please, this is vent art and I donít care about critique. This is a long ass artist comment cuz I really just needed to vent. Also, if youíre gonna do a whole ďtoo long; didnít readĒ, DONíT BOTHER COMMENTING.
So yeah, anywayÖ.vent art. Why? Iíve felt fucking emo lately and I had to do SOMETHING to help my nerves. Been feeling extremely lonely and sad. Classes are aching my brain, financial instability due to not being able to get a job (though Iím very fortunate to have parents who send a monthly check), and just the fact that I have no friends irl nearby to keep me company. All these friends I have here on the net, sure itís nice, but we canít go and hang out or talk in person so easily about anything. Iíve made no real friends in college, sure my roomie is nice, but she doesnít totally understand me like some internet people do. Iíve made some amazing friends here and Iím glad, but we can all agree that itíd be nice to have that person right in front of us to even get a hug when we need it. *sigh* itís seriously times like these that make me wish so very much that Cell were real. Heís kept me great company psychologically, but sometimes I just need that real hug, that real conversation and someone to let me know all the time that everything is ok instead of me having to tell it to myself. Sure, I have friends back home, whom I miss very very very much and love those guys like brothers and I can tell them anything with no worry and they donít judge me for my anything, even with my Toonphilia they donít judge AT ALL, but they canít possibly fully understand me. I know few people who fully understand me, but again I canít speak to them directly, only through text or internet and whenever they must go off with their friends it just reminds me that I have none where I am. I despise that thought of sadness running through my head because ever since Junior High Iíve conditioned my brain and chastised myself for ever needing to psychologically lean upon someone. I donít want to tell anyone that I need them, thatís just idiotic and needy and the person shouldnít feel the need to talk to me 24/7. Of course I donít need 24/7 but itís nice to continue fun conversations for a good while. Iím not saying that the person needs to say no to their irl friends just to make time for me, because thatís absolutely ridiculous, the world doesnít revolve around me and Iím not the only friend in anyoneís life. I canít expect anyone to make time for me, and I canít be a needy child. I must be a strong willed adult like Iíve trained my mind to beÖ..but sometimes that will just etches away bit by bit and the mind is crippled down to me crying like back in Junior High. Things are nowhere near as bad as my Hellish years back then, but I canít help but feel my heart ache sometimes. I tell myself I donít need people, but I canít deny the fact that it hurts when I feel the need against what Iíve told myself is ďuseless and weak to feelĒ. I am weak for needing someone, I am weak for crying, I am weak and stupid and disgusting and putrid and a fucking idiotic little cunt that canít do anything because I feel this way. Of course thatís ridiculous to tell oneself such things, but the condescending thoughts have gone through my mind many times. I know they arenít true, but to verbally abuse myself for some reason is a slap in the face to grow the fuck up and learn to accept loneliness. I am angry at myself many times for even being sad because God gave me a second chance at life and I feel as if I have no right whatsoever to be sad about anything because therefore I am ungrateful for the life given to me, but again that too is false and extreme to tell myself. But at the same time I donít want to be lonely again like I used to be, to accept that I have no friends when I have many here on the internet and the ones at home. Sadly that is the major difference that I repeat yet again. Internet friends are nice, but youíll never meet 99.9% of them, if even that .1%. Then of course the feelings of the heart, for a significant other to say ďI Love YouĒ that isnít someone thatís a family member because family is SUPPOSE to say I love you, but another non relative saying it is differentÖ.why is it that I had to fall in love with someone who doesnít exist? Why is it that my preferences are to creatures or beings that will never exist? I know full and well that Cell will NEVER exist, and yet my fandom of him as just a simple fangirl 3 years ago grew into something much bigger and powerful than I could have possibly imagined. I always saw other fangirls who would say ďme and Cell have something that no other fan does, we have something SPECIAL!Ē and I would think to myself how cool it would be to have that kind of connection to a character, though little did I know that exact thing would happen. He was a big help in my survival, and because of that I grew real feelings for this fictional murderer. I know realistically speaking he could never love me, but I love him for how he helped me even if he never intended to help anyone. God allowed me to be a fan of Cell during my tumor situation for a reason. That reason? I donít know, perhaps that will be revealed when Iím much older but I know one thing for sure, and thatís that Cell will be a part of my life until the day I die. I donít care if others think otherwise, he will be because of what I went through. Still, it pains to know that he will never be able to hold me like I imagined him doing so many times, to tell me that everything will be ok. I love a creature that doesnít exist, but I accept that as my fate. I cannot change my preferences no matter how many people tell me that Iím weird for it. I am grateful for the few that understand here, but it sucks even more that there is absolutely no one irl that I can tell and theyíd understand. Iíve tried telling some people but they either say ďyouíll change your mindĒ or ďthatís weird, you need a shrink!Ē No one understands unless they themselves feel that, but of course itís impossible to find that out about someone unless they express it here on the internet. Iím fine and free to say that I love Cell, no longer will I be fearful here on the internet. I am not blind to the fact that heís not real, but that doesnít deter the fact that he helped me by simply existing as a figment of imagination. I just wish that he wasnít imagination, and when I stare at his figurine or a picture of him when Iím sad, sometimes it only makes me sadder. But I know tomorrow is a new day and that soon I shall feel better again. I will continue to imagine, and I will continue to love him. I will continue on with life and I will continue on letting others who feel such ways for fictional characters know that it is alright. It just hurts sometimesÖ.but life is alright, and I must push forward even if tears are in my eyes and my heart pounds painfully from angst.
Before I end this, please donít try to get my IM to speak with my further or ask for my phone #, youíre not gonna get either. Besides, I donít even IM anymore. Also donít try to see if you can meet me irl, cuz thatís just weird.
Anyhoo, thatís basically it. Iím lonely right now and itíll be that way for a very long time until I can somehow miraculously meet a friend like I have on the internet. And Iíll just continue loving Cell, because whether anyone likes it or not, he will always hold a special place in my heart. Heíll make me feel better by simply existing and me being able to draw him.
And just so everyone knows, I'm feeling way better today and after finishing this. Drew this yesterday, colored it today and I feel tons better.
Cell © dragonball z, dbz, akira toriyama
Me and art © me