this might look better on brighter screens, just a forwarning. >_>; also, no critiques plz. I dont want them at all for this peice.
sooo...idk, I've been feeling very strange and off lately. As most who were watching me this past year, you know about when I had a tumor and got it taken out...well, in a few days its going to offically be one full year since that final surgery. It should be a very happy time for me, getting near christmas, leaving to go see my family that I havent seen in many months, but here I am, feeling anxious and actually stressed due to memories hitting me like a ton of bricks. Everything reminds me of those 3 months where I had to sit and wait for things to happen. The cold weather, the snow, even christmas lights make me feel like theres a lump in my throat. I sit and think how in the hell I managed to survive all the pain and suffering, and it makes me feel very glad that I did. After that tumor, i went and finished highschool and even began attending college. I'm living my life, one that there was a large possibility that I could not have thanks to a disgusting fleshy mass inside me.
I think back and I remember laying in the hospital bed, hooked up to IV and morphine sacks, some wounds bleeding through my hospital clothes as well as the IV needles in my hands, one not completely secure and bleeding down my hand. My wrist was painfully bruised because of previous IV's having busted my veins, it hurt but not as much as my back with 2 large tubes connected into my chest, leaking fluid down into a small plastic box so i wouldnt "drown" from fluids going into my lungs. They always made grotesque sounds when I breathed deeply, as if someone was gurgling blood in their throat and couldnt spit it out. It sickened but fascinated me, though I suppose being high on morphine after pressing the green button so many times helps lessen mental and physical anxiety, but only to such an extent.
I remember just lying there, in pain. My mother slept in a chair near my bed, ready to wake up if I needed anything, but I always felt the need to have someone in bed holding me. I always made myself be brave, if I wasnt, then my family couldnt be comfortable like I was showing myself to be. I told myself everything was alright and fine, but could never get rid of the primal need for contact, for someone to hold me and let me feel the warmth of their body to console me. Thats when my imagination began to run wild like it always did, but this time it was more than just "thinking for fun", this helped me survive and continue on. Thinking of Cell keeping me company, holding me caringly, it made me feel more safe than before, like I didn't have to worry about anything. having such a vivid imagination, I could practically feel him there with me, protecting me from all pain and suffering, and it made me happy, able to sleep much more soundly even with the mild throbbing of pain.
All that said, I needed to make some vent art, get this image out of my head and onto paper. I feel much better, but it was hard for me to complete this image since I felt so emotional doing so. I actually had to stop a few times from remembering all the pain I had to endure, and it made me feel very anxious that I had to walk away from the computer and walk around a bit. I'm glad I finished this, I'm not completely happy the final product, but it does make me feel better and happy at remembering just how thinking of Cell made me feel at peace.
Thank you all for those who were praying and sending their best wishes to me last year. Its been great and I plan on living for a long long time. :3
Cell (c) dbz, dragonball z, akira toriyama
me and art (c) me